felt like writing again......since the last time i posted here. honestly i feel different, not in a bad way, but just different. i feel like i've found my focus after some time away from the "world" so to speak. I have to get my license more than ever now since i got a speeding ticket AND a ticket for driving without a lisence, and if i don't fix that, i'm not driving for the rest of my life. period. i'm also looking for a job BAD because i'm not going to live here and just contribute nothing. I know some people are going to be pissed off at me for my lack of communication lately, but oh well. that just let's me know you were pretty damn selfish and didn't care about what's going on in my life lol. it's all good, really. i've been keeping in touch with a few people, namely Seiryu and Korey from time to time. Hope Seiryu or Korey arent mad at me though, damnit...i burned my finger lol. 

I've been listening to music more lately too, that and sleeping. I have to take the time out of this entry to say this...Korey, if, and whenever you read this, I thank you for understanding me as i have understood you. i'm glad we can still be friends after all that's happened. (i'm still mad at myself for not calling you on your birthday, as well as forgetting it...) you have been a influential part of my life, and honestly, if i never met you, i have no clue how my life would have been. I learned alot from you, and i don't regret anything that happened, even the bad. The good moments, and all the fun we had will forever be in my memory. You've helped me out alot even though you never had to and always had the option to say no and fuck off, but you never did. Thank you.

And Seiryu, maaaan alot a times you verbally WHOOPED my ASS, but it was never for nothing lol. your typical capricorn approach to things is cut, dry, and straight to the point lol, but it makes sense. alot of times after hanging up with you what you said would sink in. I hope everythings workin out on your end and when i come across some cash that i can work with, i promise you i'm paying you a visit. I know we havent spoken in a minute, but you're always in my thoughts (if that's any consolation lol) Miss you buddyyyy!!!

In other news, my gay ma is once again connected to the media device world (that's what we call a cell phone in 2009 lol) let's all give em a hand lol. aight folks...i think i've run out of things to say.....til next time.

aight....finally i admit it. I've been sitting in the dark for about the past few minutes thinking about how i should write this.....or what exactly am i feeling. (i got off topic, i'm supposed to be admitting something else lol?) i'm lonely, it finally hit me. yes, i love the solitude of my room, but it sucks sometimes that i have to sleep alone. and i find it funny that anywhere else i sleep i'm wild as a tiger, but i know that if i'm with Seiryu i'm still...even when i was with 1000 (another nickname to protect the identity of who this really is. but it should make sense sense K = 1000) i didn't move. i mean, i slept wild, but not as bad as now. i can't even keep covers on the bed, either that, or i'm constantly moving and waking up. i've been having bad dreams lately, which is no surprise thanks to Lady Truvada, but i'm missing companionship again. 

i know i'm comfortable with being alone, i'm a loner duh lol. but it's when i sleep at night is where it hits me. instead of waking to a smile i'm waking to a white wall or the soft coler-changing glow of my night light. instead or waking up and looking at him sound asleep, i see my pillow or my blankets to and fro. i'm awakening to silence, instead of moving about a house or a tv and slight laughter or a chuckle. hell sometimes hearing "you better get yo ass up or you're gonna be late"  would make me smile and laugh a little bit. probably the only thing that greets me in the morning is the sun, but we all know that's garunteed, hell the suns a whore, it says hello to everyone at multiple times. watch a porn star try to top that lol. 

i guess in due time i'll get over it, maybe learn to get my emotions in check alot better....but at the same time the loneliness is a good thing, it lets me know that i'm missing someone, or something about them, hell maybe even both. it doesnt bother me much....just nags at me worse than a little kid who wants a shiny new toy lol. so lately i've been living off memories, playing them like movies in my head, pausing and rewinding parts that i wish i could expierience again, good times. then the feeling comes, the touch, and i smile. sometimes it helps me go to sleep. all i have to say is this though, 10 more days, and i get to add more videos to my mental library. 

 Best said by D-R-E. that's how i feel about alot of people in my life right now mannnn......tired of muhfuckas wastin my damn time or ignorin me until THEY'RE fuckin ready. i think i'm too nice to people, because i'm gettin shitted on alot. people keep takin my kindness for weakness and this is the result they're going to get. i'm not callin on people to check on em no more, cause nine times outta fuckin 10, yall niggas don't wanna be reached anyways. these thoughts all came to mind when i was going through my phonebook today, i have alot of peopels umbers i don't even talk to anymore because they havent said shit to me in a minute. the ones i hate the most are the ones who are like "call me/text me i'll be around" yet you won't fuckin call me to see how i'm doin or when i DO decide to call/text you you don't respond. so you contradicted yourself. 

i stayed home for two days wondering who would call me just to say hey or see if i was even doin anything. and i honestly wasnt even shocked when NO ONE called my ass. i decided to call a friend and they basically bullshitted me. shit like that makes me think who's really real in my life man. and honestly i'm thinkin like 2 people would really hit me up to see how i'm doin. why the fuck am i the one who always checks up on people or randomly calls just to say hi, yet i never get that type of treatment back??? then muhfuckas wanna get mad when i'm on some FUCK YOU type shit cause you really don't give a shit about me or you doin a shitty job a carin. i've waited to be proven wrong and i havent. so FUCK YALL, ALL A YALL. IF YALL DON'T LIKE ME, BLOW ME.

 i love that phrase.....and i'm not going to translate it....you have internet, google it damnit!!!! anyways, i'm all moved into my cute little room....and to be honest, i like the quiet, the hum of my laptop (a dull hum at that) and being able to hear my own thoughts............it's 12:50 AM and i'm not even tired. (i need to finish unpacking....but that can wait) ok....i'm a lil tired.....but i'll go to sleep after i finish unpacking and typing this up. i'm almost done with my first notebook of my high school story...that's good because i can post the rest on myspace and start writing again when i finish posting book one of the story.

in other news....my caseworker texts me while i'm at work telling me that i failed my drug test for the housing program i was trying (and did) to become a part of and that i can choose from rehab or 30 day wait and re-test. i told her that i wanted to wait to get re-tested and see whaere to go fromm there....basically, i'm REAlLY considering becoming a fuggin drunk. i'm qutting ciggys and other shit so why not??? nah, i don't think i would even have the time to do it. -=looks around my room=- i do like this layout though.......

i'm really missin Seiryu bad reallll bad. i mean, i get why he moved and everything. and i'm all for him doin it, but i miss dat nigga!!!! lol. i'm still laughin over the day i slept over and i had to wake up for work. the alarm went off at 11:30 and he said "get yo ass up so you won't be late to work" it's funny how the first thing that comes to mind is "i know he's not talkin to me like i'm some stepchild" but it's him, he's unapoligetically blunt, and i kind of like it. mainly because i know that in any given situation he is going to tell it to me like it is. so now, it's cute when he acts aloof or nonchalant about things, cause i know when i touch him i get a sense of how he really feels. It's a surprise to me because i've never gotten that kind of response from anyone. i'm used to looking at your eyes and telling you your emotions based off your eye movement or your speech...but he's so good at keeping a pokerface sometimes i really don't know he's thinking or feeling until i get brave and touch him (yes.....his personality throws me off sometimes to where i have those "should i touch him? should i kiss him? but what if..." moments alot lol) 

honestly though...if it wasn't for him, my ass would have been still at my old house, still waiting on people to make moves when i really needed to be the one moving, so i thank him for my "mezameu" or awakening. cause when he needed to be my homie who would knock me upside my head when i needed it, he did it. everyone else sugar coated shit (well ALMOST everyone) and he just gave it to me bluntly and moved on. aight.............i'm feelin a little tired.........i think ima turn in. night. 

I don't get it.....my concept of "friends" is changing again...i'm thinking, i have been thinking also, about if some people are worth keeping in my life. the first thing that angirly came to mind was "cut the ones who are hurting you more than helping you off" and yeah...i'm right to an extent, that's easy to say, but carrying the action out isnt so easy. yes, i make it look easy, and look like i can be cold as ice, unemotional, stioc, whatever you wanna call it. sure, i can act that way...but that's just what it is, an act. i can skillfully act like i'm listening-when your words fly though one ear and out the other. i can act like i care-when a car could hit you and instead of coming to your side, i'd laugh at your death. i can act-yes i can ACT. that's all it is. people don't know what i'm thinking, or how or what i feel. i'm good at hiding, did it for quite some time. so this is nothing new to me. it's almost a permenant defense mechanism, i do it before you can even think of hurting me "as long as i know everyything about you and you know little or nothing of me, we're fine" that's how i think sometimes. as i like to put it  "i'm someone who loves hearing the music of the world, yet i choose not to play my own music" 

i think it'd be a good time to say who i am NOW as compared to who i was BEFORE. stealing a quote from the song "faint" by Linkin Park, i am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard, handfull of complaints but everyone can see these scars. as much as i like to say i'm a solitary person, i like company, i like being around people, and sometimes silence kills me. i'm "sometimey" as my gay mother would put it. i'm choosy on who i want around, and when i want them around.

i am also an asshole, that's what i'm best known as. that's another act too. Because i'm really being hard to show you i care...i'm just too afraid to say it, since that's apart of revealing my feelings and emotions, something i've learned to hide somewhat well. instead of trying to get to know you, like i should go at it, i'm pulling information from you and taking mental notes so when ever you make a mistake that's too much for me to handle, i can easily disengage with the final words "nothing lost" and move on from you. i've taught myself that people will only be in your life for as long as you want them to be, as if you yourself control their stay in your hotel known as your life. but that's a lesson in itself, can't control something that is capable of free will, you can't predict a persons next move because they most likely will do something completely out of the norm. as much i would like to say i know people, i don't and finally, that's ok. no longer am i vindictive, no longer am i angry, no longer am i indecisive, no longer am i irrational and acting upon emotion. 

now, i am peaceful, calm, decisive, rational, and think things through in regards to my emotions. i can honestly say one thing, my heart i'm not giving out ever again until i know that i am ready to. i'm ready to learn more, and fall on my face in the process so i know what not to do next time. i'm still a fighter, always will be, but now, i'm learning to choose my battles becasue the little ones that i've been fighting, have been holding me back. i'm smarter now....oh and i forgot, all of this that has been read is me, take it or leave it, like it or not, yes, it may change, but it will change in ways that fit me. 

another abstract title.  it's from a song. it's the weekend, yet i'm bored. if i had money i'd be out tonight. i was invited to the club, but i'm not really intersted in that. (i don't really do clubs anymore) to be honest, i just wanna get drunk lol. either that or high again. it's wierd, i've been sleep allll day, and i'm still tired. i guess this is because i havent really been sleeping much this week. it was a blur since i've been back from raleigh, same thing every night, meet up with friends, smoke a few blunts, go home, go to bed, get up and do it alll over again. because i've been waking up late recently, i've been showing up late to work. not really a good thing, given the fact that i already have two write-ups because of attendance and my productivity rating is low. (about 10% below good) i'm a part of a team, and the only thing i have to do to keep the team in good standing is to keep my productivity rating high. i'm at about a.........78% right now, and "good" is when you're at 80+ not hard right? right. not trying to make an excuse, but when all calls are handled at random, how does any type of productivity rating make any bit of sense???? 

i'll explain it alittle bit further, when a caller calls in, they're randomly connected to a CSR, or Customer Service Rep, who handles their call. now m question is this, how can you have any type of rating when on some days you get less than 30 calls, and others, you could get 100 or more!? so when you rating drops for the week/day, it's really your fault becaus eyou didn't get any calls??? it's not like you can hang up a sign saying "DIRECT ALL CALLS TO ME!! MY RATING IS LOW!!" lol. but next week i'm going to work alittle harder about raising my rating. so no sweat!!

but anyways....i remember i said in my last post that i would talk about this....guy i know. for now, i'll call him Seiryu. i've been his friend for about a year now. he's extremely smart, cute, wise, a really good friend, and only 21...it's interesting that almost everytime i talk to him, even though the convos are funny, it's like i'm learning something new, or seeing things diffrently about certain situations. i'ts almost scary when we chill, because something almost always goes down lol. not sexually, we've just cuddled and made out. that's about it. but the reason why i cal him Seiryu, is because his chinese zodiac sign is a Dragon, and one of the cardinal gates is a blue dragon, which is  a dragon. honestly i feel good as hell when i'm around him. sometimes i wonder if it's infatuation or anything like that, crazy thing is that he feels the same about me! but if "this can go anything further than what it is, i'd be glad, but at the same time, i'm afraid of fuckin the friendship up. so i'm seeing how everything plays out and taking it slow....real....slow. i'm tired of typing now.....i think i', done for tonight, later folks.

 been a while since i've been back here. i think i decided to go back to writing about my life like ai used to. things have been crazy for a while...i broke things off with korey, and even though i probably SHOULD go into a huge things about that, i'm not going to. too damn much to type and the story is still being written. my plans right now? move out and start "doin me" what happened this last weekend was enough to make me realize i need to start my life instead of waiting for approval or someone else to do their part. no ones going to do anything if you keep saying you're going to make a move - yet don't make the move. i've been having some stomach aches lately ( i had an ulcer last month) so that's good enough motivation to make me be more concerned about my health. The first thing that happened this weekend was a argument i had with korey about him talking to rob, and rob compaling about him. basically, they both don't like eachother and they complain to me about what little things they both do that pisses one another off. 

so i decided to be a friend and tell korey how he should go about talking to him if he wants to get a point across. he gets amd and thinks i'm trying to tell him what to do, as if i want to control the situation (how can i when i'm not even in the same city for the weekend?) and the rest was downhill. so my decision is that i'm not going to intervene or try to help, he thinks his way is fine, coo. i quit answering phone calls for the weekend, and got drunk lol. then my mother calls and tells me my cousin i was close to died. the emotion didn't come until today on the way home. the funeral my be happening this friday....so i'm trying to figure out a way to get up there. then about about two days later one of my best friends tells me he's going to kill himself, and that's the last i heard of him. i hope he didn't do it...

finally i come home and everyones quiet. korey closes his door when he notices me coming in. i'm too high and a little tipsy, and i don't really want confrontation....got enough going on. don't need more stress. i think i'm just through....and that i need to be selfish. i don't want to fight anymore. don't feel a reason to. 

it's funny........i want to write about another person but i don't know how to go about it, not scared, just.....don't know what to write. )ugh i really am high....a mess...AND i have to work tomorrow gah) i think he will be in his own entry....i' kinda tired...gotta give my self another reason to write right? lol 

I'm losing it...and you're just going to sit back and watch...i'm questioning everything, and you're just going to sit here and watch. how can you do this? what happened to love?? care? being therefor me!? i'm feeling sick, i'm losing my grip on my life, things are FLY-ING out of my CONTROL! and you just sit....sit back and watch.

somehow you don't see i'm spiraling inside myself
somehow you don't see i'm slowly becoming unhappy
somehow you're making me thing you don't really care

i'm dying inside man....whatever happened to you pickin me up?
i thought you weer m cure, my happiness, my LOVE??
what is this you put me in? what the hell is this?

--cause this doesnt feel like liove...to me--

this feels like you're wringing my heart, or looking at me like i'm an expiriment in your lab of relationships.
i guess you found that you could test the waters with me, since i'm your first.
i guess next time you'll save all your trouble for the next boy...since you fucked up with me.
you know you put me in a bad situation, but i stupidly walked into it.

i thought i cold feel safe with you. that's making me feel like that's a lie.
i don't know how i could easuly trust you, i don't trust anyone easily. i just can't
but you know what the sad thing is? 
as i write this, you're still siting there....watching me fall. 

the song "Sanctuary" by Utada Hikaru is playing on my roomates ipod that i'm listening to. if you've played Kingdon Hearts II you know what song i'm talking about. it's the theme song of the game. i love this damn song, shit i love the artist also, her songs are so damn deep, even in Japanese it hits you and you feel the emotion she's trying to convey. if you have an open ear to music, DEFINATELY find and listen to this artist!

on another note, my birthday was yesterday, yep folks, i'm FINALLY 21!!! my long time friend called me at 12 midnight, i was knocked out by that time though, to wish me happy birthday the night before, he was the first to with me happy birthday. my birthday was...ok, nothin special, didn't go to a bar like i wanted to, didn't get drunk...yet lol, but it was ok. insted i spent it on the phone talking to my family, my mother first, then my grandma, then my uncle and so on and so forth. i think the feeling that i'm actually older hit me this morning, i'm complete with my trade, i'm working on getting my drivers lisence, i'm growin up now....i kind of feel like i'm taking control of my life and not flying through it with no control over where i land. i grew wings and flapped em and i'm in awe that i'm beginning to fly. i know things aint gonna be easy but i think i can deal with it now, i havve so many people behind me and with me, if not physically, by spirit, who want the best for me and to guide me. sure, they may get on my nerves, but they care, and they want to see the best for me. i'm cheesin as i write this becuase as i'm typing and listening to music, i'm text messaging my Gay Mother and my Lil blaxican brother lol. 

and i'm amazed by how far i've gone and what i've been through. thank you to the ones who have ALWAYS been there, yall know who you are!! i'm kinda bored and my fingers hurt a lil...so i think ima call this one done, sorry for the shortness. til next time...