life as i see it

I feel different now....

2009-09-25T00:59:33Z

felt like writing again......since the last time i posted here. honestly i feel different, not in a bad way, but just different. i feel like i've found my focus after some time away from the "world" so to speak. I have to get my license more than ever now since i got a speeding ticket AND a ticket for driving without a lisence, and if i don't fix that, i'm not driving for the rest of my life. period. i'm also looking for a job BAD because i'm not going to live here and just contribute nothing. I know some people are going to be pissed off at me for my lack of communication lately, but oh well. that just let's me know you were pretty damn selfish and didn't care about what's going on in my life lol. it's all good, really. i've been keeping in touch with a few people, namely Seiryu and Korey from time to time. Hope Seiryu or Korey arent mad at me though, damnit...i burned my finger lol.

I've been listening to music more lately too, that and sleeping. I have to take the time out of this entry to say this...Korey, if, and whenever you read this, I thank you for understanding me as i have understood you. i'm glad we can still be friends after all that's happened. (i'm still mad at myself for not calling you on your birthday, as well as forgetting it...) you have been a influential part of my life, and honestly, if i never met you, i have no clue how my life would have been. I learned alot from you, and i don't regret anything that happened, even the bad. The good moments, and all the fun we had will forever be in my memory. You've helped me out alot even though you never had to and always had the option to say no and fuck off, but you never did. Thank you.

And Seiryu, maaaan alot a times you verbally WHOOPED my ASS, but it was never for nothing lol. your typical capricorn approach to things is cut, dry, and straight to the point lol, but it makes sense. alot of times after hanging up with you what you said would sink in. I hope everythings workin out on your end and when i come across some cash that i can work with, i promise you i'm paying you a visit. I know we havent spoken in a minute, but you're always in my thoughts (if that's any consolation lol) Miss you buddyyyy!!!

In other news, my gay ma is once again connected to the media device world (that's what we call a cell phone in 2009 lol) let's all give em a hand lol. aight folks...i think i've run out of things to say.....til next time.

Lonely

2009-07-21T05:42:10Z

aight....finally i admit it. I've been sitting in the dark for about the past few minutes thinking about how i should write this.....or what exactly am i feeling. (i got off topic, i'm supposed to be admitting something else lol?) i'm lonely, it finally hit me. yes, i love the solitude of my room, but it sucks sometimes that i have to sleep alone. and i find it funny that anywhere else i sleep i'm wild as a tiger, but i know that if i'm with Seiryu i'm still...even when i was with 1000 (another nickname to protect the identity of who this really is. but it should make sense sense K = 1000) i didn't move. i mean, i slept wild, but not as bad as now. i can't even keep covers on the bed, either that, or i'm constantly moving and waking up. i've been having bad dreams lately, which is no surprise thanks to Lady Truvada, but i'm missing companionship again.

i know i'm comfortable with being alone, i'm a loner duh lol. but it's when i sleep at night is where it hits me. instead of waking to a smile i'm waking to a white wall or the soft coler-changing glow of my night light. instead or waking up and looking at him sound asleep, i see my pillow or my blankets to and fro. i'm awakening to silence, instead of moving about a house or a tv and slight laughter or a chuckle. hell sometimes hearing "you better get yo ass up or you're gonna be late" would make me smile and laugh a little bit. probably the only thing that greets me in the morning is the sun, but we all know that's garunteed, hell the suns a whore, it says hello to everyone at multiple times. watch a porn star try to top that lol.

i guess in due time i'll get over it, maybe learn to get my emotions in check alot better....but at the same time the loneliness is a good thing, it lets me know that i'm missing someone, or something about them, hell maybe even both. it doesnt bother me much....just nags at me worse than a little kid who wants a shiny new toy lol. so lately i've been living off memories, playing them like movies in my head, pausing and rewinding parts that i wish i could expierience again, good times. then the feeling comes, the touch, and i smile. sometimes it helps me go to sleep. all i have to say is this though, 10 more days, and i get to add more videos to my mental library.

fuck yall, all a yall, if yall don't like me, BLOW me.

2009-07-12T02:05:45Z

Best said by D-R-E. that's how i feel about alot of people in my life right now mannnn......tired of muhfuckas wastin my damn time or ignorin me until THEY'RE fuckin ready. i think i'm too nice to people, because i'm gettin shitted on alot. people keep takin my kindness for weakness and this is the result they're going to get. i'm not callin on people to check on em no more, cause nine times outta fuckin 10, yall niggas don't wanna be reached anyways. these thoughts all came to mind when i was going through my phonebook today, i have alot of peopels umbers i don't even talk to anymore because they havent said shit to me in a minute. the ones i hate the most are the ones who are like "call me/text me i'll be around" yet you won't fuckin call me to see how i'm doin or when i DO decide to call/text you you don't respond. so you contradicted yourself.

i stayed home for two days wondering who would call me just to say hey or see if i was even doin anything. and i honestly wasnt even shocked when NO ONE called my ass. i decided to call a friend and they basically bullshitted me. shit like that makes me think who's really real in my life man. and honestly i'm thinkin like 2 people would really hit me up to see how i'm doin. why the fuck am i the one who always checks up on people or randomly calls just to say hi, yet i never get that type of treatment back??? then muhfuckas wanna get mad when i'm on some FUCK YOU type shit cause you really don't give a shit about me or you doin a shitty job a carin. i've waited to be proven wrong and i havent. so FUCK YALL, ALL A YALL. IF YALL DON'T LIKE ME, BLOW ME.

naze da? konkai wa watashi no shori desu ne!

2009-07-01T05:19:53Z

i love that phrase.....and i'm not going to translate it....you have internet, google it damnit!!!! anyways, i'm all moved into my cute little room....and to be honest, i like the quiet, the hum of my laptop (a dull hum at that) and being able to hear my own thoughts............it's 12:50 AM and i'm not even tired. (i need to finish unpacking....but that can wait) ok....i'm a lil tired.....but i'll go to sleep after i finish unpacking and typing this up. i'm almost done with my first notebook of my high school story...that's good because i can post the rest on myspace and start writing again when i finish posting book one of the story.

in other news....my caseworker texts me while i'm at work telling me that i failed my drug test for the housing program i was trying (and did) to become a part of and that i can choose from rehab or 30 day wait and re-test. i told her that i wanted to wait to get re-tested and see whaere to go fromm there....basically, i'm REAlLY considering becoming a fuggin drunk. i'm qutting ciggys and other shit so why not??? nah, i don't think i would even have the time to do it. -=looks around my room=- i do like this layout though.......

i'm really missin Seiryu bad reallll bad. i mean, i get why he moved and everything. and i'm all for him doin it, but i miss dat nigga!!!! lol. i'm still laughin over the day i slept over and i had to wake up for work. the alarm went off at 11:30 and he said "get yo ass up so you won't be late to work" it's funny how the first thing that comes to mind is "i know he's not talkin to me like i'm some stepchild" but it's him, he's unapoligetically blunt, and i kind of like it. mainly because i know that in any given situation he is going to tell it to me like it is. so now, it's cute when he acts aloof or nonchalant about things, cause i know when i touch him i get a sense of how he really feels. It's a surprise to me because i've never gotten that kind of response from anyone. i'm used to looking at your eyes and telling you your emotions based off your eye movement or your speech...but he's so good at keeping a pokerface sometimes i really don't know he's thinking or feeling until i get brave and touch him (yes.....his personality throws me off sometimes to where i have those "should i touch him? should i kiss him? but what if..." moments alot lol)

honestly though...if it wasn't for him, my ass would have been still at my old house, still waiting on people to make moves when i really needed to be the one moving, so i thank him for my "mezameu" or awakening. cause when he needed to be my homie who would knock me upside my head when i needed it, he did it. everyone else sugar coated shit (well ALMOST everyone) and he just gave it to me bluntly and moved on. aight.............i'm feelin a little tired.........i think ima turn in. night.

up at a quarter to 4am...

2009-06-09T09:19:34Z

I don't get it.....my concept of "friends" is changing again...i'm thinking, i have been thinking also, about if some people are worth keeping in my life. the first thing that angirly came to mind was "cut the ones who are hurting you more than helping you off" and yeah...i'm right to an extent, that's easy to say, but carrying the action out isnt so easy. yes, i make it look easy, and look like i can be cold as ice, unemotional, stioc, whatever you wanna call it. sure, i can act that way...but that's just what it is, an act. i can skillfully act like i'm listening-when your words fly though one ear and out the other. i can act like i care-when a car could hit you and instead of coming to your side, i'd laugh at your death. i can act-yes i can ACT. that's all it is. people don't know what i'm thinking, or how or what i feel. i'm good at hiding, did it for quite some time. so this is nothing new to me. it's almost a permenant defense mechanism, i do it before you can even think of hurting me "as long as i know everyything about you and you know little or nothing of me, we're fine" that's how i think sometimes. as i like to put it "i'm someone who loves hearing the music of the world, yet i choose not to play my own music"

i think it'd be a good time to say who i am NOW as compared to who i was BEFORE. stealing a quote from the song "faint" by Linkin Park, i am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard, handfull of complaints but everyone can see these scars. as much as i like to say i'm a solitary person, i like company, i like being around people, and sometimes silence kills me. i'm "sometimey" as my gay mother would put it. i'm choosy on who i want around, and when i want them around.

i am also an asshole, that's what i'm best known as. that's another act too. Because i'm really being hard to show you i care...i'm just too afraid to say it, since that's apart of revealing my feelings and emotions, something i've learned to hide somewhat well. instead of trying to get to know you, like i should go at it, i'm pulling information from you and taking mental notes so when ever you make a mistake that's too much for me to handle, i can easily disengage with the final words "nothing lost" and move on from you. i've taught myself that people will only be in your life for as long as you want them to be, as if you yourself control their stay in your hotel known as your life. but that's a lesson in itself, can't control something that is capable of free will, you can't predict a persons next move because they most likely will do something completely out of the norm. as much i would like to say i know people, i don't and finally, that's ok. no longer am i vindictive, no longer am i angry, no longer am i indecisive, no longer am i irrational and acting upon emotion.

now, i am peaceful, calm, decisive, rational, and think things through in regards to my emotions. i can honestly say one thing, my heart i'm not giving out ever again until i know that i am ready to. i'm ready to learn more, and fall on my face in the process so i know what not to do next time. i'm still a fighter, always will be, but now, i'm learning to choose my battles becasue the little ones that i've been fighting, have been holding me back. i'm smarter now....oh and i forgot, all of this that has been read is me, take it or leave it, like it or not, yes, it may change, but it will change in ways that fit me.

change has come......keep your dignity....take the high road, take it like a man.

2009-05-31T03:16:53Z

another abstract title. it's from a song. it's the weekend, yet i'm bored. if i had money i'd be out tonight. i was invited to the club, but i'm not really intersted in that. (i don't really do clubs anymore) to be honest, i just wanna get drunk lol. either that or high again. it's wierd, i've been sleep allll day, and i'm still tired. i guess this is because i havent really been sleeping much this week. it was a blur since i've been back from raleigh, same thing every night, meet up with friends, smoke a few blunts, go home, go to bed, get up and do it alll over again. because i've been waking up late recently, i've been showing up late to work. not really a good thing, given the fact that i already have two write-ups because of attendance and my productivity rating is low. (about 10% below good) i'm a part of a team, and the only thing i have to do to keep the team in good standing is to keep my productivity rating high. i'm at about a.........78% right now, and "good" is when you're at 80+ not hard right? right. not trying to make an excuse, but when all calls are handled at random, how does any type of productivity rating make any bit of sense????

i'll explain it alittle bit further, when a caller calls in, they're randomly connected to a CSR, or Customer Service Rep, who handles their call. now m question is this, how can you have any type of rating when on some days you get less than 30 calls, and others, you could get 100 or more!? so when you rating drops for the week/day, it's really your fault becaus eyou didn't get any calls??? it's not like you can hang up a sign saying "DIRECT ALL CALLS TO ME!! MY RATING IS LOW!!" lol. but next week i'm going to work alittle harder about raising my rating. so no sweat!!

but anyways....i remember i said in my last post that i would talk about this....guy i know. for now, i'll call him Seiryu. i've been his friend for about a year now. he's extremely smart, cute, wise, a really good friend, and only 21...it's interesting that almost everytime i talk to him, even though the convos are funny, it's like i'm learning something new, or seeing things diffrently about certain situations. i'ts almost scary when we chill, because something almost always goes down lol. not sexually, we've just cuddled and made out. that's about it. but the reason why i cal him Seiryu, is because his chinese zodiac sign is a Dragon, and one of the cardinal gates is a blue dragon, which is a dragon. honestly i feel good as hell when i'm around him. sometimes i wonder if it's infatuation or anything like that, crazy thing is that he feels the same about me! but if "this can go anything further than what it is, i'd be glad, but at the same time, i'm afraid of fuckin the friendship up. so i'm seeing how everything plays out and taking it slow....real....slow. i'm tired of typing now.....i think i', done for tonight, later folks.

But...He's a Dragon and i'm a Tiger....Seiryu and Byakko.

2009-05-27T04:34:36Z

been a while since i've been back here. i think i decided to go back to writing about my life like ai used to. things have been crazy for a while...i broke things off with korey, and even though i probably SHOULD go into a huge things about that, i'm not going to. too damn much to type and the story is still being written. my plans right now? move out and start "doin me" what happened this last weekend was enough to make me realize i need to start my life instead of waiting for approval or someone else to do their part. no ones going to do anything if you keep saying you're going to make a move - yet don't make the move. i've been having some stomach aches lately ( i had an ulcer last month) so that's good enough motivation to make me be more concerned about my health. The first thing that happened this weekend was a argument i had with korey about him talking to rob, and rob compaling about him. basically, they both don't like eachother and they complain to me about what little things they both do that pisses one another off.

so i decided to be a friend and tell korey how he should go about talking to him if he wants to get a point across. he gets amd and thinks i'm trying to tell him what to do, as if i want to control the situation (how can i when i'm not even in the same city for the weekend?) and the rest was downhill. so my decision is that i'm not going to intervene or try to help, he thinks his way is fine, coo. i quit answering phone calls for the weekend, and got drunk lol. then my mother calls and tells me my cousin i was close to died. the emotion didn't come until today on the way home. the funeral my be happening this friday....so i'm trying to figure out a way to get up there. then about about two days later one of my best friends tells me he's going to kill himself, and that's the last i heard of him. i hope he didn't do it...

finally i come home and everyones quiet. korey closes his door when he notices me coming in. i'm too high and a little tipsy, and i don't really want confrontation....got enough going on. don't need more stress. i think i'm just through....and that i need to be selfish. i don't want to fight anymore. don't feel a reason to.

it's funny........i want to write about another person but i don't know how to go about it, not scared, just.....don't know what to write. )ugh i really am high....a mess...AND i have to work tomorrow gah) i think he will be in his own entry....i' kinda tired...gotta give my self another reason to write right? lol

How can you...

2008-09-01T23:31:42Z

I'm losing it...and you're just going to sit back and watch...i'm questioning everything, and you're just going to sit here and watch. how can you do this? what happened to love?? care? being therefor me!? i'm feeling sick, i'm losing my grip on my life, things are FLY-ING out of my CONTROL! and you just sit....sit back and watch.

somehow you don't see i'm spiraling inside myself
somehow you don't see i'm slowly becoming unhappy
somehow you're making me thing you don't really care

i'm dying inside man....whatever happened to you pickin me up?
i thought you weer m cure, my happiness, my LOVE??
what is this you put me in? what the hell is this?

--cause this doesnt feel like liove...to me--

this feels like you're wringing my heart, or looking at me like i'm an expiriment in your lab of relationships.
i guess you found that you could test the waters with me, since i'm your first.
i guess next time you'll save all your trouble for the next boy...since you fucked up with me.
you know you put me in a bad situation, but i stupidly walked into it.

i thought i cold feel safe with you. that's making me feel like that's a lie.
i don't know how i could easuly trust you, i don't trust anyone easily. i just can't
but you know what the sad thing is?
as i write this, you're still siting there....watching me fall.

kimi ja nakya dame do....or will you?

2008-06-17T21:08:06Z

the title means "only you will do" more or less. i'm going to be honest, in my relationship (yea, i've had a boyfriend for about 7 months) i think things are falling apart, and things have changed (thanks to ME causing drama by cheating in the first place) i feel like my BF and i can't trust eachother (he goes through my phone, questions my friends and my whereabouts) but for some reason, we keep trying to make it work, then there's moments where i think i'm just crazy and it's all in my head, am i blinded by love or do i just no want to face reality (if it's even real in the first place) i feel like i'm not the "only one" the only one he cares THE most about, i feel like he's just half-ass loving me now...is this all because of me?

Lately i've been a little down, it's happened when i'm around him, there's things i wanna say, but i know he's going to reassure me and make me think everytings ok, then tell me i should talk to him more. how can i talk to him when he gives me the same answer??? i don't feel like i have full access to his heart anymore like he has me...i'm beginning to want my heart back, figureitively speaking. i did ALOT to be with him, i moved out of my own place, moved to a new place i know nothing about, and threw away my old whorish life i used to lead...i'm proud of that, since the life change was for me, but i'm beginning to feel like a fool, because what if he really IS cheating on me because i did it to him in the beginnnig? i don't put it past anyone anymore, since just about EVERYBODY does it. no one's pure to me anymore, i guess my outlook on people is becoming a reality, the average person isn't really a good person, alot of people don't really have good hearts anymore, and if they do, they put you through hell to get to it.

that's what i'm gong to do when i eventually lose this one, i'm not going to concentrate on love anymore, it hurts tooo much to give yourself to someone hoping that on a thin line of faith they'll treat you right ant TRULY love you. i hate having these moments where i feel like i'm either losing or i've already lost him and he's just lying to me. he hasn't proven to me that i can trust him, he's more involved with his friends than me, sorry to sound selfish, but i think i'm more inportant than friends, who will always be around no matter what. i'm not going to compete anymore, so i started making friends of my own, he didn't like that, questioning every guy i've come across and what we're going to be doing. he's making me think he's hiding something, and the fact that on two occasions he told me "and if i was cheating you would never know" i mean, what lover tells someone that!? he's playing with my trust, treating me like a kid, not being there for me, and being a doormat for his friends. where was the man i met in the beginning? the one who had his shit together, the one who truly and genuinely LOVED-ME, the one who i could stay up all night and talk to, where'd he go? did i make him go away? how can i get him back???

As i write this...

2007-09-08T00:15:29Z

the song "Sanctuary" by Utada Hikaru is playing on my roomates ipod that i'm listening to. if you've played Kingdon Hearts II you know what song i'm talking about. it's the theme song of the game. i love this damn song, shit i love the artist also, her songs are so damn deep, even in Japanese it hits you and you feel the emotion she's trying to convey. if you have an open ear to music, DEFINATELY find and listen to this artist!

on another note, my birthday was yesterday, yep folks, i'm FINALLY 21!!! my long time friend called me at 12 midnight, i was knocked out by that time though, to wish me happy birthday the night before, he was the first to with me happy birthday. my birthday was...ok, nothin special, didn't go to a bar like i wanted to, didn't get drunk...yet lol, but it was ok. insted i spent it on the phone talking to my family, my mother first, then my grandma, then my uncle and so on and so forth. i think the feeling that i'm actually older hit me this morning, i'm complete with my trade, i'm working on getting my drivers lisence, i'm growin up now....i kind of feel like i'm taking control of my life and not flying through it with no control over where i land. i grew wings and flapped em and i'm in awe that i'm beginning to fly. i know things aint gonna be easy but i think i can deal with it now, i havve so many people behind me and with me, if not physically, by spirit, who want the best for me and to guide me. sure, they may get on my nerves, but they care, and they want to see the best for me. i'm cheesin as i write this becuase as i'm typing and listening to music, i'm text messaging my Gay Mother and my Lil blaxican brother lol.

and i'm amazed by how far i've gone and what i've been through. thank you to the ones who have ALWAYS been there, yall know who you are!! i'm kinda bored and my fingers hurt a lil...so i think ima call this one done, sorry for the shortness. til next time...

this month in review

2007-08-10T00:34:27Z

oi, i finally got some time to add a new entry. yay me eh? I thought about posting this on myspace also but, nah, decided against it. but anyways, i'll be talking about what happened this month....or summerizing it since i most likely don't remember most of it lol. to start things off, i got closer to my gay mother, and i settled my problems with my best friend lexifluff things were a lil bit rocky mainly because of us clashing over dumbshit, but things are smoothing out and we're ok, i still have some work to do with myself, but i'm getting there. i started looking for houses and jobs since i'm supposed to be outta here by the end of August, but i think it will be september, unless they try to push me outta here with just my permit and high school diploma, which would really suck ass, since i want a trade. this basically means, i need to work faster and harder, something that's pretty hard for me to do in the wee hours of the morning.

my play big brother is getting married to his lover of 2 years, he told me that through text message and i'm happy for him. i'm still single but still talking to D....i've decided to make him wait, mainly because i don't think i'm ready to go into a serious relationship again with all that's going on in my life. i'd rather keep him arms distance now and get to know him more before pulling him in and telling him he's mine lol. inside of my jobcorps life, i think i've become the gay guy who wants no one here, alot of the gay guys aren't my type and they try to talk to me, and i tell them my famous line "don't have time for it" -=shakes head=- lol. i'm ready to get out of here, been here too damn long and i'm ALMOST done with my work. i have til november to finish everything but my teacher wants me out before then. i'm pretty much the oldest student in the class. blame it on my laziness lol, but i like working at my own pace, and if it's a snails pace, so be it.

moving onto some comedic things, there's an aquaintence of mine (yes, he's not a friend) who keeps thinking he's my friend, i can't stand his ass!! he talks to damn much, and has a HUGE superiority complex. i cuss him out when he's wrong, tell him to go away, and he comes back! i have some roomate drama also, it's kind of funny when you look at it, cause he acts like i do sometimes with how he overdramatizes things, it's even more funny when i tell him that he's being overdramatic. In my opinion, he's a really bad sucker for love, and doesn't know when he's being played, either that, or he's so blinded by how someone makes him feel that he doesn't seem to notice when he's being used. fucked up thing is that the girl likes is a mutual friend of ours. it's one of those "every one sees it but you" type things.

oh yeah, i just thought of a big thing that happened. my gay ma played a joke on me and said he was saying that he's going to give me away to another gay ma. then unknowingly to me, his phone died, i thought he was ignoring me. that sent me off the deep end, i said alot of things i shouldn't have said and til this day i still feel sorry for it and apologize greatly, but he's forgiven me. but it made me see something, in my moment of insanity, i saw that i was gaurding a very hurt heart. through my anger i showed him how really fucked up i am. when i was angry, i didn't see him. I saw my biological father, my family in seattle, and everyone who had hurt me or taken advantage of me in my life. i felt rejected and like he hated me for some reason and that angered me even further because i thought he was ignoring me (when his phone was dead lol) because of that, i was forced to look at myself, i didn't like what i saw. it made me cry for once in many years, not for someone else, but becasue i was scared, angry, and was feeling all the pain and anger i had locked away for so long. i had taught myself how to bottle it all up and forget it, now i'm learning to let it go and not worry about things i don't need to worry about anymore. for that i thank you, Jhon Butler, my gay ma, Micah Carrington "Fluffymon, reese's cup, Q-JACK, Fluffy-kun, and Nii-san" Reese, my best friend, and Gerraud a.k.a "G" for being there for me and never giving up. i love you guys so much words can't even describe it.

The Forlorn King

2007-03-07T00:32:50Z

i think it's come down to this, i feel lonely....it's kinda wierd when you don't have anything to keep your mind off of things (like weed, or your best friends here) my homebois got terminated, mainly for dumbshit, they bothmay be able to come back, but i doubt it...i'm getting sick of this so-called "wonderful program that makes you successful" shits backwards here, people are on some really immature stupid shit, and i'm losing my faith in things, mainly people again. (how many times has this happened?) kinda wish my new phone worked right now...i used all the minutes so i'm phoneless till i get another time card. i shiouldn't have used all of the minutes, but i was happy i had a new phone and i wanted to tell everyone that i got a new number, can't blame me right? yeah, i guess so...i don't feel like i have anyone to talk to (god i'm getting emo aren't i?) i think i'm just getting sick of people again. i've given up on trying to find i guy who i can at least chill with, since most of em are like "oooh you look good, let's fuck" and the ones who want to start some type of relationship with me, aren't the type of guy i want to talk to. the ones i want to talk to, i lost their numbers, they probably think i don't want to talk to them anyways. i've been thinking about self terminating and moving either to Seattle, or California....the east coast just aint for me right now. i miss my cousins, my friends in florida, shit i miss the FUCK outta florida. least i had fun there. maybe i made the wrong moves up to now, thinking that they'd be good....i was listening to everyone else but me. didn't do what i wanted, now i'm back at that point where i'm feeling not happy again. i don't even really care if i don't finish my trade. i could jsut go back to college and get somewhere closer in reaching my goal than being here. i think i'm gonna stop writing...my head hurts and i feel kinda sleepy.

my 11 favorite songs of all time

2007-03-07T00:15:59Z

well, i was going to make an entry, but i saw that i have been tagged....hmm...well, i guess it's time to think eh?

Let's start.

11. Hino Ataru Sakamichi - Do As Infinity
I Love this song to DEATH this song is basically about growing up and facing hardship in your life (if i'm wrong in certain parts feel free to correct me) to me this song is a song of progression, giving me that want to keep going when things get too hard.

10. Cup of Coffee - Garbage
a very sad song, but i can relate to it. it's about loving somone who doesn't love you and feeling like everything falls apart once you feel that rejection. hurts don't it?

9. For You - Staind
this song was my theme song when i was in high school. a anger riddled song to your parents who you feel like they're too damn busy to help you out with things that you feel you need help on.

8. Video - India Airee
man oh man i love this song, this song says REALNESS

7. Ex-factor - Lauren Hill
i can relate to this song also, mainly because it's what my parents went through once.

6. Somethin Wickid This Way Comes (don't really know if i got the title right) - TLC
a song that even today, is real with it's lyrics, it's one of those songs that tell you that nothing's changed even though so many years have passed.

5. Digital Love - Daft Punk
this song is soooo happy sounding, it's catchy as hell and gets stuck in your head quickly

4. Face to Face - Daft Punk
another one of Daft Punks catchy cool sounding songs

3. Aerodynamic - Daft Punk
the best part of this song (in my opinion) is the break in it where there's a 16 note electric guitar section. it's crazy, oddly calming and an overall good song

2. Evolution - Ayumi Hamasaki
the first J-pop song i heard. my first thoughts were "Daaamnnn that's some fast Japanese!!!" but this song has the energy of a rock song....somewhat. i love it!!!

and now for my all time favorite song

1. Sakura Drops - Utada Hikaru
i swear when i heard this song it was the story of my lovelife. its lyrics are deep, sometimes almost too deep, and the funny thing is, it's in japanese.

i tag these two (since everyonw else i wanted to tag has already been tagged)
lexifluff
deadlee

</div>

so um...yeah...BLAH!!

2007-01-28T00:21:48Z

like, DUDE, what the fuck!? lol my homboi here has me saying that alot now. things have been....rather interesting for me here these past months. (thought i abandoned LJ huh???) i've began taking applications for dating. only thing is that they've been kinda shitty. one interesting thing happened though. My biological father found my number from my grandma and callled me about a week ago. my first thought was to ask him "why the hell are you calling me??" but the thought died away and that feeling of longing and wanting to forgive overtook it. truth is, i still want to get to know my "Dad" alot more. i want to spend time with him and have fun and all that good stuff. i decided to approach this diffrently and let hi into my life and not put up a huge defensive wall and push him away. look at it this way, i stay angry at him my entire life and miss out on a big chance to get to know him. He dies, and i'd have this pent up anger for no reason. My thoughts are to forgive him and just let the past go, move on and see what my future would be like with him in my life. so tonight i'm going to call him again (he gave me all his numbers) i was afraid to because i was kinda feeling awkward when we did talk. but now i think i can do it.

Oh yeah, the first time since i've been in high school i actually thought about brutally murdering my Work-base supervisor...i'll explain. i walk into the security office wednesday morning (all work-base students go to the security office so they can be taken to their work-base sites) and i had some wrinkles in my pants, the BITCH pulls me to the side and tells me that i can't go to work and that i've been taken off work-base and moved to on-center (on-center is muy mal compared to off-center which = more fun and a more laid-back environment) THEN the fuckin puta pendeja claims that i have a personality problem! you know what i say!? FUCKIN EXCUSE!!! I seriously ran a play-through of me violently beatin the shit outta her in my head (i wasn't really feeling happy go-lucky that day) so Monday of next week i have to work for some damn teacher....grrrrrrr. anyways, i woke up in a sorta good mood today and ate breakfast. but...um...yeah, so that's my day and stuff and that's about all that happened. if i can post more i will. well, til next time folks.

Voice Post

2006-12-29T03:43:07Z

Voice Post

2006-12-11T04:07:12Z

update!!! i aint dead damnit!!

2006-11-23T03:09:12Z

sup peoples, long time no see livejournal, man has this month been crazy! i haven't been able to log onto myspace or lj because the servers at jobcorps blocked it....so i really can't do anything sadly. but, alas, i am home, and tired as hellllll. it kinda feels wierd being home with my family, not with my friends at the center....honestly i miss em, miss em alot. i know one thing though, WE GONAA HAVE FUUUUUUN WHEN WE ALL GET BACK!!! so i'm REALLY lookin forward to saturday. i think i'm gonna sleep on the couch since most of the rooms here are freakin cold as hell. one thing i can say i WON'T miss about the center is my Business Tech teacher. the woman swears that we're not going to amount to anything and that this generation, mines, is going to ruin everything for her when she's old. well if the sorry excuse for a teacher took her head outta her behind and stopped looking at herself so much, she'd be able to TEACH this so called failed generation and we'd be outta her class. for all i care the itch can choke on a huge dick....lol.i think i'm going to change my myspace page again before i leave, but i LOVE that song i have up there now!!!! that is my love song i'm sooo serious. anyways, i juss felt like makin an update...night folks.

"every time the beat drop"

2006-10-27T17:11:29Z

That songs playing in class right now...yeah, i found a way to get to LJ from class. man today i feel like SHIT. i feel weak as hell, and don't really want to do anything. i juss feel....blah. yeah. things have been kinda hectic. and the thought of either transferring or just going back home has crossed my mind countless times...but i never decided to act on it because that would mean i'm lettin all the bullshit get to me. it's annoying, yeah don't get me wrong, but i gotta stay focused on gettin my trade and bouncin as soon as possible. when i get offa here i think i'm gonna go to sleep....that's how i'm feeling, oh, wait, damn.....can't go to sleep in class today or i get fined...shit. yeah, they fine you here for just about every bad thing you do. it's either that, or they terminate (kick you out) you. -=sighs=- kuso.....i don't like feeling like this. lately i think i haven't really been wanting to talk on the phone for a while....people been cursin me out about it lol....i shouldn't be laughing about that. juss haven't really been feeling sociable i guess....don't know why, but i've felt like screaming to the top of my lungs and running full speed into a corner sometimes. aight...my fingers are getting tired, so this is it for now. til next time. oh, one more thing. I MISS MYSPACE DAMNIT!!!!

i thought i broke it but it's not broke, YAY!!!!

2006-10-08T01:08:42Z

this will be purely made out of SHEEERRR BOOORRREEEDDOOOMMM!!!!! i'm bored outta my damn mind, i was supposed to leave the campus today, but that didn't happen so i sat here and twiddled my thumbs all day and talked on the phone. i think tomorrow will be better....we get to go to some family fun center type place in roxboro i think.....that's gonna be a long ass ride....i hope i'm wrong though. but, i heard through the grapevine that the place has a DDR machine....i think i'll start playing again, and whine about my knee later lol. i've been stretching and everything so i'm keeping it in check somehow....i juss can't walk down stairs without looking handicapped. -=twists up face=- this place is like, seriously dead this weekend...it's soooo not funny man. oh yeah, about my title...i thought my ipod was broke, but i tried to plug it in to a computer and the damn thing turned on and started charging!!! i'm just going to make sure i take all of my personal items out of my hoodie before i let my roomate borrow it...yea. i think i've moved backwards to the not really trusting people phase...i have good reason to also. people here try to work you from an angle, they want to see what they can get out of you and how much of it they can get. so because of that, i'm selectively social. i have few people i talk to or associate myself with. i think that's good because the people who know everyone here get wrapped up in the bullshit and drama. i think the only drama that i have here is that i'm Gay. i'm not meaning that in a bad way or anything, quite frankly, i don't care. too damn old to be worrying about what people think of me. i didn't come here for that.another thing i didn't come here for. a relationship, the moment i got here this dude has been tryin his hardest to tame the tiger, talk me into wanting a relationship with him when I REALLY DON'T WANT ONE!! it's becoming an annoyance to have to remind him that; no, i will not fuck him, no i will not see him every-damn-day-of-the-muhfuckin week, and no, i will not french kiss you! -=shakes head=- this shit's freakin annoying, i wanna chill and juss focus on me and here this person comes along and tries to talk me into a relationship!! WTF YO!? -=shakes head again and exhales=- i think i'll go to my room at around 9 or so......i'm talking to my gay ma on the phone. lol he's a trip. but anyways...i think i've ran out of things to write, so. til next time folks.

oi...

2006-10-02T20:34:32Z

because i won't be next to a computer of my own for quite a while (living at jobcorps makes things really busy for me...too busy for me to sit a t a computer and make a long ass post) i'll be making voice posts...tune in eh?? aight people til next time.

~Sayonara~

a beutiful blossoming flower of pain. the taste of sweet misery...

2006-09-13T02:56:44Z

random title, nothing sad or miserable about me at the moment, lol. my birthday has passed yaynesssss.....it's interesting to be 20 now. i can't explain it yet, but it's interesting, that's all lol. for my birthday i bought myself an ipod nano, that thingain half bad. i ended up working on that day, but i get 8 extra hours so whoo hooo!!! next week when i get my check i plan on getting my phone. i'm gonna need one since i may be going to jobcorps sooner than i expected. i got everything i needed and decided to call an addmissions rep up last week and she called me back monday, she scheduled me for an appointment on thursday @ 2pm. i'm really psyched about it cause i will knwo what's my status with them. another good thing is that it's helping me tolerate my job more.

i swear, i was about to curse a co-worker out today, dude was talkin shit about wanting to clock out early, which would fuck everything up for the people in the grill (i work at macdonalds...) and when he finally did clock out, he left without stockin shit, BIIIIG no-no there, you get wrote up because, once again, it fucks everything else up for the people in the grill. on top of that, people called out like it was a mass clocking out event or something, which made us short staffed. i was pissed mainly because one dude clocked out cause his damn tooth was hurting, shit, my knees hurt like a fuckin bitch, i had a headache that came off and on, and my damn stomach was hurting, and this bitch wanna call out cause his tooth hurts, well if yo ass can talk then it must not hurt that damn much!!!! i think this will be my first job i've worked at the longest, and had no complaints about me at. i do what i have to do, make sure everyone else is ok, then leave when my time is done. some of the people there are annoying as all hell, but somehow i put up with it.

moving on, i've been thinking about making a zombie story....kinda like resident evil, but more on a personal level. (yes, i know, i have a horrible habit of starting one story and then making another one and forgetting the other one lol) but this one will kind of be like Resident Evil: Outbreak's story line in the fact of there being more than one survivor. diffrent situations will happen to them and it will be more realistic in how the infection is/will be spread in the "anytown usa" that i'll be depicting. some characters will be alone, some together and looking for any more survivors (the incedent takes place right after the outbreak and follows how the city would deteriorate til the get out of the city) i'll be amking character profiles when i think all of the characters up. (so this basically means that the high school story will be put on hold lol sorry if anyone liked it, i'll continue it eventually) well, i think that's all people, til next time!!!!

weeere fuuucked up togetherrrrr!!!

2006-09-01T04:59:17Z

lol funny title. i'm talking to my homboi on the phone and were both drunk lol. i went out with Desean to a town away from Yanceyville and we drank and had merry fun!! i ended up getting drunk and we drove home after a very interesting....thing.....with deshawn and his girlfriends......i am bound to NOT telling anyone what happend in the room...hee heee...yayness now a three -way phone call with Fluffymon. my day went well. i worked (ugh) and i got my birth cirtificate!!!! now all i need is my background check and i'm OUTTA HERE!!! anyways...well, i think i'm done, a really short entry for the night...night folks!

I felt compelled to write as soon as i got home...odd isn't it?

2006-08-26T06:27:53Z

i juss got home from work, i'm kinda tired and i'm feeling too damn lazy to jump in the shower to clean all the grease offa me. today was pretty good. i woke up to my lil sister in my face asking me for an icey pop. it was so cute cause she had her head in her hands asking me in her little voice "Anthony can i have an icey?" the older siblings went to school, it's kinda scary, it's my other lil sisters first day in MIDDLE SCHOOL. it's a shock ya know, seein her grow up in front a me...i still think she's the lil girl i used to know who was all tomboyish and everything. now she's talking about what boys cute and everything...yare yare (my my in japanese) she's growing into a teenager right in front of my eyes.

it's kinda funny....i haven't dated anyone in 4 months and this guy at my job made me like em in the most wierdest way. i never really said anything to him. not even a convo or anything. at first he was scared to talk to me cause i don't say much at my job. but he started saying hello almost everytime i saw em, like he made it an effort to get me to say a word other than "hey Deshawn" and all that good stuff. i swear that gets me every damn time lol. but it's like were dating now kinda....but the hanging thought of me leaving is sucky. honestly, he would be dating material, maybe even boyfriend. but i'm leaving and that thought itelf is like "damn" you know? it's too late for me to turn back at all and i don't want him to fall for me or vice-versa. i don't wanna hurt someone else with me leaving them for my life. i just hope he understands that and is ok with it. Because i honestly have no problem with being exclusive with him. i'm kinda worried about how it'll affect my job since we both work at the same place...word could come out and either me or him or both of us could get fired....damn risks suck culo majorly.

he gave me a ride home from work, thank god he did, i as worn out from my manager throwing random jobs at me, this night was the WORST closing i have EVER had. we talked for a little bit as we drove, me talking with one eye open cause i'm exhausted, and he was kinda tired too since he came from a party and was coming down from a high and drunkedness (wtf is up with me runnin into dudes who smoke? lol) we talked about work and he was talking about how a co-worker, who i SWEAR was high on something cause he was like a black speedy gonzales zippin around the grill talkin like a high chipmunk, was makin everyone else, including me, move fast as hell since we were swamped with people just coming from a football game, and he was concerned about me workin too hard. My first thoughts were "awwwwww that's soo cute" but then i was thinking about what if he was falling for me? i'm trying to guard my heart so i won't be hurt but i'm wondering if he's throwing caution to the wind. when we got to my house we shared a goodnight kiss twice and i went to my house, looking back at him as he drove away (picturesque huh?) well i can say this, he's caught me...but i wonder how he feels? anyways folks, i think that's all for tonight, er, this morning lol. night.

~Sayonara~

A High school story part IX

2006-08-25T18:40:40Z

[Authors note=====> sorry for the looong wait, been really busy lately. but alas, here's the 9th part to my story, enjoy!!]

I pulled myelf out of his headlock of friendship and he stole a look at my boots.

"oooh you got some Timbs!!!" he said. "I never had any...been too poor to buy em"

"What!? You from New York abd you never had Timbs!?" I was surprised, I guess it became a sort of stereotype for everyguy from New York to have Timbs, I mentally chuckled at the thought.

"Ey, juss cause i'm a New York dude don't mean I gotta have Timbs" He successfully killed my stereotype. "So I guess you can say alota shit in spanish cause you Mexican uh?" He fired back with a stereotype of his own.

"iight iight i got chu" I laughed it off.

We walked to the class of students, joining them near the locker room. Mr. Ortiz, not noticing us, was talking about locks and lockers.

"What class you got next?" Earl whispered.

"Weight training...you?" I asked.

"Ha ha...same shit yo. That class is fun, had a homboi who had that class before he graduated, said it was easy as hell and fun everyday" He whispered back. i could hear the enthusiasm in his voice.

"Guess it's fun by how he talks about it" i thought.

Mr.Ortiz passed out all the locks to everyone, and told us all he'd be giving out books tomorrow and there would be a test on friday, then we were able to do whatever we wanted for the rest of the period.

"Damn so soon" i thought.

"Why a test so soon?" I asked Earl.

"That's our grade in the class, we get tests every week" He said.

"How do you know all of this?" i asked.

"Aint chu been listenin?" He asked

"No...been thinkin bout you too much" i thought. but the words "...Nah..." ended up leaving my mouth.

"Mannnn.....you betta start payin attention fo you fail dis shit. Tell you what, if you want, I'll help you out with whatever subject you need aight? He said.

That surprised me, for some reason I thought he'd be an introvert and not really want to be bothered with me.

"Why me?" I asked.

"Cause you new here and don't know nobody" He replied simply.

We walked over to some steps that led into the gym and sat down on them. "I'll even let you chill over my place so we can study, or your place if das coo wit cha parents" He continued.

I nodded my head and said "Yeah, coo, thanks man"

"No prob kid, tryin to be a friend das all" He replied.

"How much more time do we have?" i asked.

"iss...bout 9:20am, We got 10 more minutes" He said "every class is an hour and thirty minutes, lunch is after third period and thas a hour long"

I nodded my headn and let it all sink in. "Hope you got all dat...don't get all A.D.D. on me and forget now" He joked.

"I have A.D.D..." I flatly said, holding his gaze for a couple sconds and looking away casually.

"Oh shit...my bad yo...i-i-it's ok...i'm not special ed or anything, juss have the attention span of a fly" i interrupted.

It's true, I really can't stay focused on anything, I zone out and daydream, or the littlest thing, like a butterfly or a bird, can make me lose track of what's going on.

The bell rang and everyone scattered to their next class. Earl got up and walked towarsd the locker room, stopping halfway and turning around. "you comin?" He asked.

"Don think so...don't really like locker rooms" I said uneasily as i shook my head.

He looked at me, slightly perplexed and walked back to me.

"There's no one in there but you an me...it's all good man"

I got up, muttering "fuck it" and walked into the locker room with Earl.

[Authors note====> ok that's enough for today...til next time folks]

A high school story part VIII

2006-07-30T23:53:55Z

I was actually happy to be told to accept help from Earl. Maybe I could get to know him better...or indulge in another fantasy. I smiled briefly at that thought and read my schedule.

I have Biology one, P.E., weight training, Algebra one A, and English one. All pretty easy sounding classes, but Algebra one A stuck out.

"Algebra one A!? They slpit the class into two subject? What kinda bullshit is that!?" i said to myself. I studied the room numbers and folded the paper up and put it back into my pocket.

I uncontiously grabbed for my backpack, and grabbed air."Oh...yeah..." i forgot i left it. The first bell rang and i walked off towards the gym. On my way there i saw Munkey, Earl, and a girl. they were all talking. I slowed my pace and studied Earl once more. He had a broad chest and shoulders, his arms were rippled with muscle and shown through his tank top and black shirt. Before slipping off into dreamland again I switched focus to the girl of the group. She had brown curly hair pulled back in a puffball held by a black scrunchie. Her skin was golden brown and seemed to shimmer in the sunlight. Her eyes, brown in color, sparkled whenever she smiled, her chinky eyes closing a little bit.She was about my height and wore a spaghetti strap tank top with a flower design on the front. Brown capris and high heels completed her ensamble.

I saw Munkey walk away first as the second bell rang, Earl and the girl hugged eachother goodbye and went their seperate ways. I walked on to the gym and ended up bumping into Earl, my heart raced.

"Awww dis kid again?" He said sarcastically.

"You a funny dude you know dat? Think you got jokes an shit" I sneered. Actually, I have no clue why I sneered...it just kinda...happened.

Earl laughed and circled me, then pushed me into the gym, saying "Get cho smart ass in class" I urned around and was about to push him back when I once again found myself eye level with his nose.

"What chu gon do pretty boi thug?" He said in a low voice that almost made me lose all feeling in my body and forget i should be mad at him. I wanted to lick his face and kiss him but feared being seen, or hit by him.

I pushed him away from me and walked towards the bleachers. He sprinted ahead of me and hopped up to the highest bleacher and sat. I sat down and laid back and waited for the instructor.

The bell rang and all the other people sat down in the bleachers and talked amongst themselves. I began thinking about Earl again and the thought "Why is he way up there?" came to mind. I couldn't find an answer so I dropped the thought all together.

"OK, class! I am your teacher for this class, Physical education. My name is Ronniel Ortiz, call me Mr. Ortiz" I heard a voice say. I sat up and opened my eyes and saw my teacher pacing back and forth holding a clipboard in his hand and a keychain with a whistle tied to a lanyard around his neck. He looked kinda young, like maybe late 20's. He was built like a linebacker and tall as hell. He wore basketball shorts and a plain white tee-shirt.

"Today we will be going over the curriculum, dress code, and you will be recieving your locks for your lockers" He said. I looked up at Earl, who was reading a hip-hop magazine while paying some attention to the teacher. I looked back down to the teacher. He was taking attendance, calling out names.

"Hector, Osorio?" He called. I raised my hand and the teacher nodded his head.

I kind of wondered what Earl's entire name was. I don't like my middle name, It's Domingo, which means Sunday. My dad chose my name along with Gordo's. Ma just nodded her head and said "Oh that's such a nice name" when we were born.

I must have droned out everyones talking again because everyone was getting up and following Mr. Ortiz out of the gym. I stood up and walked off the bleachers and followed the others. Earl nudged me and asked me something.

"What's ya nationality man?"

I raised my eyebrow "Why you wanna know" I asked.

"I'm bored, an i'm tryna start a convo, so juss go wit tha flow aight?" He said.

I shrugged my shoulders and said "Negro y Mexicano"

"Wha?...i only know two languages kid, English and bad English"

I laughed and repeated my answer in english. I think i saw his eyebrow raise as we left the gym.

"Interestin mix...so ya pops is Mexican?" He asked.

I turned in his direction, words ready to leave my lips.

"I saw em dis mornin" He said.

"oh..." I trailed off, feeling ashamed for being ready to bite his head off for what seemed like an assumption.

He laughed and put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close, his strong arm holding me in place. He smelled of really good cologne, he was intoxicating to the senses.

"You a funny dude...think i'm gonna like sharin a couple a classes wit chu sun" he laughed and shook me a little.